Workout Pants Are Better Than People

Sometimes you just need to ditch the people.

If you think about it, you know it’s true. People are great. I love people. However, there are times when you are just going to have a better life experience if you ditch the people and spend some quality time with your workout pants.

Flexibility. People can leave you if you change too much. Your workout pants are in it for the long haul. There is expandable spandex for when your weight waxes, and a drawstring for when it wanes. Your workout pants will stick with you until they literally burst their seams

No judgement. I sweat. The temperature can be literally freezing outside, and if I’m running, I’m sweating way more than is socially appropriate. Do my workout pants judge me? No they do not. They are part of the solution–wicking away that extra moisture and spreading it out into the universe. That’s deep, that is.

Secret pockets. How many people do you know who are willing to hold whatever crap you choose to bring with you? Most of our moms quit doing this somewhere in elementary school. My workout pants pockets just don’t quit. Plus storing stuff in secret compartments makes me feel like a ninja. It’s a storage solution and a morale booster all in one zippered package.

Are people are getting you down? Throw on a pair of workout pants. They will never tell you to change your attitude, and will help you work it out in whatever way suits you best.


Step away from the face paint.

Definition: Hives is an allergic reaction characterized by localized redness, itchiness and swelling.

My kid has allergies. After several months of back and forth with doctors and a visit to the allergist, we discovered that dust mites were to blame for most of her issues. The hives, though, had no explanation. I was advised to observe her carefully and try to see if there were any patterns to when she gets them.

As far as I can tell, this is the list of activities that can potentially cause hives in my kid:

  • excessive cold
  • excessive heat
  • excessive excessiveness
  • face paint
  • Thursday
  • homework
  • bacon
  • parents who Just Don’t Understand What I’m Saying

Once you compile your list of triggers, it is best to avoid them whenever possible–unless, of course, your seven year old decides to wipe face paint all over her face on a Thursday just before doing her homework, all the while complaining that you don’t understand what she’s talking about. In that case, you might as well pull out the bacon and give up because you’re totally hosed.


The Five Stages of (Sickness) Grief

Kids. Cesspools of disease in a small package.

No, I can’t be getting sick. I was just sick a month ago. I’m supposed to go knit night tomorrow. It’s allergies. It’s lack of sleep. I am definitely not getting sick again.

This never would have happened if my kid hadn’t coughed in my mouth. Little viral cesspool. Why don’t they teach hygiene in school? What are my tax dollars paying for over there? Either he learns to cover his mouth when he coughs, or he has to stay in his room for the entire month of March.

I will take ALL of the Vitamin C. Zinc. If I take zinc right now it will head this thing off. If I can just stay well enough until the weekend, I’ll go get a flu shot.

I’m going to be sick for the rest of my life. No one will ever invite me over again because I carry the plague. I will lose all of my friends and die alone, surrounded by used tissue.

Well crap. Time to mix a DayQuil martini for one.

In Defense of Self-Serving, Fun New Year’s Resolutions

Just eat the cheese. Come on now.

It’s that time of year again. That moment when we pull our collective head out of the eggnog and gingerbread and resolve to be better people in the New Year. We’ll lose weight. We’ll reinvent ourselves. We’ll yell less and dance more.

The problem with resolving to lose weight or learn a language or stop yelling at your kids is that you’ve set yourself up for failure. The reason we drink eggnog, or sleep in instead of going to the gym, is because we like to do these things. Or, in the case of yelling at your kids, it’s more pleasurable to yell at them, than it is to let them drive you crazy for one minute more. It’s human nature to do more of the pleasurable things and less of the not so pleasurable things.

And the first time you don’t get up and go to the gym, or you break out the Oreos after a stressful day at work, you’ve failed. And that little failure makes it easier to keep on failing. As any regular gym goer knows, you only have to put up with all of those get in shape resolutions for the month of January before you get your gym back.

There is another way.

The best New Year’s resolution I ever had was ‘eat better cheese.’ At the time I had two children under two, a full time job, and a family member suffering from depression. It was a chaotic, stressful, sleep deprived time, and I had nothing left for self-improvement. I like cheese. I figured that this was one resolution I could nail.

The thing is, something happened after I ate that first triple cream brie. Hint: it wasn’t weight gain. I had a goal and I hit it. I didn’t just taste great cheese, I tasted success. My goal wasn’t supposed to be serious, but my subconscious reacted to hitting my goal the exact same way it reacted to getting in a great workout at the gym, sans sweat and spandex.

Turns out success was more addicting than the cheese. Everyone needs a win once in a while, and I finally had it. I tried one new cheese every other week. And if it wasn’t a “better” cheese, I didn’t eat it. It wasn’t worth my time. This actually helped me lose a few pounds, which bred more feelings of success. I rode the success wave and hired a personal trainer to help me get in touch with my abs again.

I’m not going to try and convince you to eat great cheese so you can lose weight. That isn’t the point. If you’re going to resolve anything at all, pick something that gives you a shot of success. Resolve to learn how to swear in a foreign language. Resolve to sleep in late more often. Every time you nail your resolution, that success acts like gas in the engine of your motivation. Who knows where it will lead you? Today it may be cheese, tomorrow, the world!

Happy 2016. If you need me, I’ll be drinking more ice wine.